The creating and the created

This is the last post in a series inspired by Big Magic by Liz Gilbert. Read the IntroCourageEnchantmentPermission and Persistence.

I’ve believed a lie for most of my life. In fact, it’s only as I’ve read Big Magic that I’ve seen just how big this lie is. And I think there might be a chance you believe it too:

Creativity means you’re good at art.

Creative people write, paint, dance, draw or sing well. Creative people come up with new ideas and get them out in unique ways. I think there’s always a qualitative value attached to the word “creative”. In fact, we often think the word is synonymous with another word: “talent”.

So I’ve never considered myself “creative”. I guess I can write decently, but I would never say I’m talented at it. I just like it enough to do it often and hope the outcome is somewhat decent.

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But when it comes to creativity, the outcome doesn’t matter.

That’s been a jarring thought for me.

As cliché as this is going to sound (and it hurts to write this), creativity is about the journey, not the outcome. I really had never considered this before.

Creativity is about the act of creating, not about what is created. The magic lies in the act not in the what.

And “fierce trust” is required to keep creating when an outcome isn’t guaranteed.

“Fierce trust asks you to stand strong within this truth: ‘You are worthy, dear one, regardless of the outcome. You will keep making your work, regardless of the outcome. You will keep sharing your work, regardless of the outcome. You were born to be creative, regardless of the outcome. You will never lose trust in the creative process, even when you don’t understand the outcome.’” – Liz Gilbert, Big Magic

So I might create things that are decent. I might create things that are horrible. I might create things that I think are decent, but everyone else thinks are horrible.

But I have to trust that the magic is in the creating, not in the created. I have to trust that God works through me while I create just as much, if not more, than He works through what I create.

Because it’s fun. Because I learn. Because I want to create things. Because creating feels different than everything else.

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Rolls Royces and Honda Accords

This is a post in a series inspired by Big Magic by Liz Gilbert. Read the IntroCourageEnchantment and Permission.

I once had a boss that valued common sense above almost any other trait.

She would categorize projects on a sliding scale between Rolls Royces and Honda Accords.

Rolls Royces were big and important projects. They’d be seen by a lot of people or the stakes were high. They took up a lot of our time and we’d work extra hours to make sure they were as close to perfect as they could be.

Honda Accords, on the other hand, were small projects that wouldn’t have any kind of big impact. Only a handful of people would even know they exist and the stakes were low. Our goal was to get them done, not to get them perfect. It wasn’t worth it for an Accord.

As a sidenote, my boss had nothing against Honda Accords. In fact, she drove an old, beat-up Accord at the time – which she used as the example for a project that really just needed to get done. She was also one of the most humble bosses I’ve ever worked for.

But anyway…she could not fathom spending lots of time and energy on projects that didn’t need that kind of investment. Some projects just needed to get done.

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I think this concept translates to creative projects – there are some Rolls Royces that need to be perfect, but others don’t…most don’t. And I actually think it’s more freeing to, at least, consider almost all creative projects Accords.

When we put pressure on creative projects to be Rolls Royces, we’re either too afraid to start them or we’re too afraid to finish them.

When I’m too afraid to start
I have an idea, one that taps me on the shoulder and doesn’t stop. But it seems so big or important, I think there’s no way I can do it justice. Someone else could do it better. I’d probably mess it up. No one really reads or sees what I do, my platform isn’t big enough. So I ignore it, I never start a Rolls Royce project because I don’t think I’m good enough to handle that kind of project.

But if I consider the exact same project an Accord, I take the pressure off. I just need to start and do a decent enough job. All of a sudden, I’m not worried about impressing people or making it perfect. I just write for the sake of getting the idea out of my head. And sometimes, it ends up looking something like a Rolls Royce.

When I’m too afraid to finish
If I can figure out how to take the pressure off and write a Rolls Royce project, I’m afraid to finish it. I reread it over and over again and each time I find something to fix. I rewrite and rearrange, then reread it again.

Except I don’t admit that I’m doing this because I’m afraid to finish. Instead, I call myself a perfectionist. That’s a good term, right? We want it to be shiny and polished and, well, perfect.

A few years ago I was cleaning my room and stumbled upon this little card. I still have no recollection of where it came from or why it was hiding between my dresser and my bed. But isn’t it true?

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Even “anonymous” is spelled incorrectly – this creator really wasn’t a perfectionist!

When we refuse to let something we’re working on be released to the world until it’s “perfect” – are we actually concerned with getting it right? Or are we just refusing or afraid to let it go and move onto whatever’s next?

When we put pressure on creative projects to be Rolls Royces, they’re never going to be good enough to finish.

But Accords? It’s okay if they’re not perfect. They’re not supposed to be – they’re mid-range family vehicles. They just need to get you to your destination – nothing more.

Can we just agree to consider our creative projects Accords? Can we agree that they’ll never be perfect because that’s not possible, and actually they don’t really need to be?

Just start. Just create something and then finish it. Release it into the world. And then go create something else.

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The permission slip

This is a post in a series inspired by Big Magic by Liz Gilbert. Read the IntroCourage and Enchantment.

Way before I started this blog, I wanted to have a blog.

I thought about it a lot. I had this idea about writing about things that were hard to do, about not living comfortably all the time.

But I didn’t feel like I had permission to blog. As soon as I got excited about blogging, four thoughts would creep into my mind.

1. I didn’t have any right to share my writing.
Who did I think I was? The thought of blogging felt selfish or entitled. It’s not like I have an extraordinary gift of writing, there were so many bloggers out there who were way better at this than me.

2. My idea wasn’t original, many people are writing about this.
There are so many really smart people already writing about doing hard things and not living a comfortable or ordinary life. What more could I add to that conversation? Probably nothing.

3. I wasn’t living a life that would inspire or help anyone.
I didn’t have an extraordinary story. Most blogs I read were about people on big adventures or facing extreme circumstances. I was just living an ordinary life, so there was no way I’d be able to help or inspire people.

4. It wasn’t a practical use of my time.
Sure, I technically had the time, but I could probably find better ways to use it than writing about myself. I could go to the gym or volunteer or work more hours. Where’s the value in spending my time writing?

Needless to say, whenever I had the thought to start a blog, I quickly talked myself out of it.

Then I signed up for a course that happened to require a blog. To earn my certificate, I needed to blog. It could be about absolutely anything we wanted – the point was to create and maintain it.

I officially had permission to blog.

And it all came together quite quickly. The concept of “choosing butterflies” tapped me on the shoulder while driving home from work one day. Then ideas for posts came faster than I could get them down. While my classmates talked about how they struggled to find things to write about to hit the minimum 16 posts in eight weeks, I struggled to find time to write about all the things that were floating in my head.

And so, I kept it going. Two years after that course was finished and it was no longer required, I’m still here. I never received “permission” to keep blogging, but I was hooked.

When I look back, I realize those four thoughts were, in fact, lies. I wholeheartedly believed them – but that’s all they were. Lies.

And here on the other side, and with beautiful words from Liz Gilbert’s Big Magic, I see these new truths.

1. We are all creative beings, therefore we are allowed to create.
“…you are allowed to have a voice and a vision of your own”
Creating isn’t always about the final product. We don’t need to be the best painter, singer, dancer, writer to participate. Simply by existing, we’re entitled to have a voice and a vision…whatever that looks like to us.

2. I don’t have to be original, but I do have to be authentic.
“Attempts at originality can often feel forced and precious, but authenticity has a quiet resonance that never fails to stir me.”
As soon as I stopped trying to do something no one had done, it became easier. Instead, I look to those smart people writing about doing hard things as inspiration. And often, I use that inspiration to write my own post or posts. I never claim these concepts as my own, I just authentically share my experience with them.

3. A goal of helping people through my creativity can actually stifle creativity.
“At the end of the day, I do what I do because I like doing it.”
This has been incredibly true. As soon as I make my motive to help others, the words come out awkward, preachy and insincere. But when I write to help myself through something, or write about something that I think is fun to write about, it flows. It’s easier to write and I think this is when I’m the most genuine.

4. Writing isn’t essential, which actually makes it essential.
“Creativity is magnificent expressly because it is the opposite of everything else in life that’s essential or inescapable.”
When the world is ending and they’re looking for people to help, they’re certainly not going to say, “can we have all the bloggers step forward?”

But maybe that’s just it.

Maybe the fact that I don’t have to write makes me feel like I need to write. It’s a weird paradox, but as Liz says, “I think we can handle it”.

There are so many things in life that we have to do. I have to go to work, I have to clean my condo, I have to pay my bills, I have to be kind to people that aren’t kind to me, I have to visit my parents (okay, I do enjoy that last one).

With so many things that we have to do, doesn’t it make sense to leave room for those things we don’t have to do? That that becomes essential for our sanity?

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So if you need permission to be creative, start here. Consider this your permission slip. If it’s still not enough, read Big Magic. Because if you have any desire to be any kind of creative, Big Magic will have you rip up the permission slip and create anyway.

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Ideas that are bigger than I can figure out

This is a post in a series inspired by Big Magic by Liz Gilbert. Read the Intro and Courage.

Have you heard of Hamilton? No, not the city – the musical.

If not, please consider this the eviction notice from the rock you’ve been living under.

To sum up (and this won’t be easy for me), Hamilton is a musical about the American founding fathers told in modern day music (mostly rap and hip hop) and language, and is also completely colour-blind casted – meaning African Americans and Latinos are playing the roles of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton and everyone else.

It sounds crazy. But it is also absolutely brilliant. I’ve truly never heard acclaim like this for a show. Ever. I really could gush for a long time about this show (and I’m sorry if you’ve been on the receiving end of that), but in the interest of time, please read this and watch this.

And let me say this. I’m a Canadian who has no interest in American history, or really rap and hip hop music. So there’s absolutely no reason I should like Hamilton. But I can’t get enough of the cast recording and I’ve actually momentarily contemplated paying the equivalent of two plane tickets to NYC to see it. I’ve never heard music this dense or intricate before.

Lin Manuel Miranda is the genius behind the creation of Hamilton. He is now the guy that everyone is talking about, and the general consensus is not only is he other-wordly brilliant, he’s also humble and very very kind.

But let’s talk about this “other-wordly” brilliance. He got the idea on vacation when he randomly picked up a biography of Hamilton. He started reading and thought “surely someone has written a hip-hop musical about this guy.”

Well no. The idea of a hip-hop musical about the Founding Fathers is weird. Can you imagine him pitching this to the people that had the money to bring it to life?

But what if the idea of a hip hop musical wasn’t Lin’s idea? I’m not saying he stole it, I’m saying what if the idea is an entity in itself, looking for someone to manifest it?

I know this sounds nuts, but stay with me here.

Here’s how Liz Gilbert describes ideas.

“Ideas are disembodied, energetic life form. They are completely separate from us, but capable of interacting with us – albeit strangely…Ideas are driven by a single impulse: to be made manifest. And the only way an idea can be made manifest is our world is through collaboration with a human partner.”

That got me thinking about how God shows up as ideas.

Often we’re too distracted to hear the idea, to hear God, because we’re making too much noise. But sometimes we quiet ourselves and hear that whisper, that nudge. Other times that idea is louder than our noise, and we can’t help but pay attention. It follows us around until we do something about it, or until it moves on to someone else.

Here’s the thing. Lin probably wasn’t the only one that could write Hamilton. But the idea came to him and he worked like crazy to manifest it. He worked for six years. And it wasn’t all inspired work. I bet he had days where he wanted to give up, where he wondered if what he was doing was crazy because he was struggling to figure it out. But he kept working.

And I bet he also had days where the words flowed out of him faster than he could write them. Where he wrote something, then looked back at those words and wondered where they came from.

If Lin had only written in those inspired moments, I don’t think he would’ve written Hamilton. Because those inspired moments of creating are rare. But the more we write, the more we try, we’re playing the odds. If he had inspired moments once every ten times he sat down to create, he’s going to have way more inspired moments if he sits down 100 times than if he sits down ten times.

I need to remember this. Because I certainly have experienced that “where are these words coming from” moments. Not to the level of Hamilton obviously, but in my own way. Those moments feel awesome, but they are rare. I got into a mindset where I only wanted to write when I had those moments. And when I struggled, I thought why bother? I’m clearly bad at this.

But the more I work at it, the more inspired moments I have. The more I quiet myself and listen, the more clearly I hear the idea.

Honestly, I don’t always understand how this all works. The concept of ideas and inspiration and creativity are way bigger than I can wrap my head around.

And that has God’s fingerprints all over it.

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Curiosity and courage

This is a post in a series inspired by Big Magic by Liz Gilbert. Read the intro.

I was terrified of roller coasters when I was a kid.

Each year, my family would go to Six Flags on our annual trip to New Jersey. I’d sit on the bench outside of each roller coaster with my mom while my dad and little brother waited in a long line to ride the roller coaster. They’d walk out, say “it was awesome!” then we’d move along to the next one. Sure, they’d patiently wait in line with me for the tamer rides – the spinning swings, the gentle parachute drops, the log ride – but any ride that went fast, upside down or had the word “screamer” in it, and I took my spot on the bench.

Until the day I decided I was going to ride a roller coaster.

And no, I didn’t love it. But it wasn’t really all that scary.

As a kid, I made so many decisions based on fear. And my life was boring because of it.

I ate inside while my family enjoyed summer dinners in our backyard because I was afraid of bees.

I stayed on the beach because I was afraid of fish in the water.

I missed out on sleepovers because I was afraid of being away from home.

I lived my life inside, on the beach and in my own bed because I was afraid.

And like the day I decided to ride the roller coaster, eventually curiosity won out. I wanted to know what it felt like to go upside down or hear what my family was laughing at while I ate alone in the kitchen. I wanted to know what it was like to swim in the waves, and what the appeal was in staying up all night giggling with my friends (spoiler: it’s super fun until you have to function the next day).

And while today those fears no longer stop me from participating in life, there are still fears that stop me from participating in a creative life.

I’m afraid I’m not good at writing. I’m afraid I’ll hurt someone’s feelings or say something offensive. I’m afraid people will judge me or think I’m self-centered or disagree with me. I’m afraid I really don’t have any right to write.

In Big Magic, Liz Gilbert describes a creative life as “living a life that is driven more strongly by curiosity than by fear.”

I think curiosity is a strong force. It was the first step in getting over my fears as I child. I wondered about the experiences I was missing out on, to the point where my curiosity became stronger than my fear.

And this is also true with creative living, in my case – with writing. I’m curious. What can I do if I write? What can I figure out? How can I take these ideas floating around in my head and get them onto the paper?

But the fear is there. Hovering, doubting, mocking me. Fear shows up alongside creativity because creativity has uncertain outcomes, and fear’s job is to protect you from uncertain outcomes. And because fear and creativity often come as a package deal, when you try to get rid of fear altogether, creativity often disappears along with it.

So we have to make space for fear, we have to welcome it onto the trip with you and creativity, but we have to give it some rules.

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It doesn’t get to be part of the decision-making process. Sure, let your fear warn you about all the things that can go wrong if you create – that people might judge you or that you’re bad at it. You know it’s going to happen, so make some room for it. But when it comes down to deciding what to create, how to create, if to create, don’t let fear make your decisions.

Fear doesn’t get a vote.

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Big Magic-Inspired: The Ingredients

When I think about the phenomenon that was the book Eat Pray Love, I think about the pizza paragraph. It was the most vivid imagery I’d ever read.

“The dough it takes me half my meal to figure out, tastes more like Indian nan than like any pizza dough I ever tried. It’s soft and chewy and yielding, but incredibly thin. I always thought we had two choices in our lives when it came to pizza crust—thin and crispy, or thick and doughty. How was I to have known there could be a crust in this world that was thin and doughy? Holy of holies! Thin, doughy, strong, gummy, yummy, chewy, salty pizza paradise. On top, there is a sweet tomato sauce that foams up all bubbly and creamy when it melts the fresh buffalo mozzarella, and the one sprig of basil in the middle of the whole deal somehow infuses the entire pizza with herbal radiance, much the same one shimmering movie star in the middle of a party brings contact high of glamour to everyone around her. It’s technically impossible to eat this thing of course. You try to take a bit off your slice and the gummy crust folds, and the hot cheese runs away like topsoil in a landslides, makes a mess of you and your surroundings, but just deal with it.” – Liz Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

And while we can all agree pizza is awesome, I think we can also agree that this really wasn’t Liz Gilbert’s desired takeaway for her readers…or maybe it was? In which case, success, Liz. Pizza has never been the same.

When she released Big Magic last year, I didn’t pay too much attention. Then a friend texted me a photo of it, asking if I had read it and that if I hadn’t, I needed to. I looked it up, saw it was by the same author as Eat Pray Love. I remembered the pizza scene, smiled, then moved on.

Then a few more people told me to read it. A co-worker, another friend, another co-worker. It came up over and over again.

I can take a hint. Especially when there are flashing arrows pointing to it.

This summer, I took two blissful weeks of vacation with no big plans. The perfect time to read this book.

But I didn’t read it. I devoured it. In fact, I finished it and closed the back cover, turned it over and started again. But with a pen and a notebook.

I so desperately wanted to impress a book into my heart and into my soul.

This book is a game changer for me. It’s finally allowing me to admit I’m creative. I am. Because creativity doesn’t mean “good at art”. In fact, “creativity” doesn’t have any qualitative aspect – creativity can’t be good or bad. It is just the act of making. Of creating.

I love creating. I love thinking and imagining and visioning. I love making and experimenting and appreciating creativity.

I am creative. I want to be creative.

My favourite form to express creativity is through words. It’s also how I process. And when I wondered how the heck I would process this book, it felt overwhelming and too big. I got crazy butterflies.

And I try to always choose butterflies.

Ingredients

And I also break overwhelming things into parts. Thankfully, Liz did that in this book with those essential ingredients. And so, I took it one ingredient at a time.

I made a commitment. I would start a new workday routine. I’d wake up 45 minutes before I needed to and I’d write. I’d write about these ingredients, one at a time. I’d use Liz’s beautiful concepts and words as a launch pad, and write what stirred in me.

I’d write without pressure. Maybe I’d post it, maybe I wouldn’t. But I knew the best way for me to imprint this beautiful collection of words into my heart and soul was to use it as the foundation for my own creativity.

I’ve learned a lot through this. For example, creativity is meant to be shared. Not for the sake of helping others, but for the simple sake of sharing.

So I’ll share what Liz stirred in me, one ingredient at a time. These aren’t summaries of her words. Not at all. In fact, they often drift away from what she intended. And if you’ve read Big Magic, you know she’s okay with this. Because she’s okay with anything that stirs creativity.

Here’s a summary of what I’ve taken away from each ingredient. I’ll expand on each one over the coming weeks.

Courage: Refuse to make decisions based on fear.

Enchantment: Ideas and inspiration are bigger concepts than we can wrap our heads around. And that’s wonderful.

Permission: You don’t need permission to create. Simply by existing, by being a human with a voice, you are entitled to create.

Persistence: Create without the goal of perfection. Perfection creates pressure that stifles creativity.

Trust: Creating is about the process, not the end project. You need to create, even when the outcome isn’t guaranteed. Because the outcome is never guaranteed.

And so I share this. But for me. And if it happens to resonate with you? Then that’s a beautiful side effect.

And I need to say, thank you Liz Gilbert. Thank you for taking my view of creativity and flipping it inside out. Thank you for the words that keep me wanting to create.

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Busy enough

This past month or so has been comfortable.

Painfully comfortable.

My job is plugging away at a manageable pace. Regularly-scheduled activities have taken a hiatus during the summer, so less commitments. People are out of town, so less visiting.

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I’ve had a lot of downtime. A lot of time to spend however I please. So you’d think I’d be productive. I’d write more, I’d read more, I’d get things organized. But do you know what disappears when all that time shows up?

Motivation.

I have so much time, I tell myself. I can work on that later. But later never comes.

“If you want something done, ask a busy person.” An old colleague used to say that. But isn’t it true? When I’m busy, I’m in motion and can knock off to-dos like a rockstar. Once I’m in motion, it’s easy to keep going.

This is not news, really. In fact, this is Newton’s Frist Law of Motion:
Objects that are in motion, stay in motion.
Objects that are at rest, stay at rest.
(Thank you high school science!)

It takes more energy to start moving than it does to keep moving.

And lately, I’ve been that object at rest. And, oh boy, do I ever want to stay at rest. Even pulling out the computer to type out this – something that I’ve been thinking about for days – felt like the biggest challenge. But now here I am, typing away and wondering why it took me so long to do this. I’ve pulled out my computer to do other things…like check Facebook and watch Michelle Obama sing in a car a few times. But typing out these thoughts? That felt like a mountain of a task.

So I need to get out of my comfort zone. I need to be that object in motion, that busy person. Not crazy busy, I’m over that, but busy enough. Busy enough to stay a bit uncomfortable and stay motivated. Busy enough to choose creating rather than consuming. Busy enough to choose moving rather than resting. Busy enough to choose butterflies rather than…well…not choosing butterflies.

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When the plan doesn’t go as planned

Nine years ago, I graduated from university. I graduated with a unique and cutting-edge degree and had been told for four years that this was going to be the ticket to a great job.

The world was my oyster. Reach for the stars. I hung my hat on all the classic millennial clichés. Watch out world, here I come.

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When I crossed that convocation stage, I had my five-year plan all worked out. I was going to become a Public Relations professional – ideally at an agency in Toronto. Right away, I made a connection that got me an interview at a high profile agency. Every class, exam, project, summer job, led to this. I was about to “arrive”.

I didn’t get the job.

And more than that, I cried the whole way home from the interview because I didn’t want the job. I didn’t want the thing I’d been working so hard for.

All that planning and focus felt misguided. It crushed me to admit the thing I had been working towards wasn’t actually going to happen…all while my classmates seemingly slid into their dream jobs.

So…now what?

I was living back at my parents’ house, frustrated, bored and feeling really sorry for myself. Just ask them – I was a treat.

And that was just the beginning. Nothing seemed to be working out. I interviewed a lot and got rejected a lot. I tried to keep myself busy. I volunteered and took on freelance or short-term projects. I coached gymnastics and worked in a greenhouse to make a bit of money.

This was not how it was supposed to go.

But after a full year of this, I finally got a “grown-up” job. Thankfully, it was worth all the boredom and frustration of that year. I had incredible leaders who are still mentors in my life. I made friends that are now some of my closest people. I learned so much that shaped who I am as a Communicator.

None of that would’ve happened if my five-year plan had worked out.

So to that nine-years-ago Lindsay (or anyone else) who has just crossed the convocation stage and the plan isn’t going as planned, take a deep breath. You’re going to be okay. Just keep these four things in mind.

Hold your five-year plan loosely.
It’s important to have a plan and work towards a goal. But don’t be so focused on that particular plan that you miss out on an even better plan that you hadn’t thought of. Then have the courage to jump into the new plan with two feet.

The “next thing” is sometimes just that – the next thing.
Don’t put too much pressure on the “next thing” to be “the thing”. Often, it’s just the thing that will prepare you for whatever comes after it, and that’s still important. You don’t have to understand how this next thing fits exactly into the bigger picture. You just have to trust that you’ve made informed and prayerful choices, and then embrace all that the next thing is.

The goal is not to “arrive”.
Spoiler alert: you may never arrive. And that can be a good thing because arriving means you’ve stopped growing. Embrace where you are, while you take each step as it comes.

Find a mentor.
Humble yourself to realize you don’t know everything. Seek out someone who is doing something you think is fun and seems to be enjoying it. Listen to them. Listen more than you talk to them. Not only will they have good advice, they may advocate for you one day.

And on that humility note, let me say that I’m only nine years into this 40-year career thing. I’m still a relative rookie. I know nine years from now, the list above will have even more insights. What would you add?

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How lucky we are to be alive right now

The Tony Awards are my Superbowl.

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I spend the months leading up to it, reading, learning, watching, soaking up everything I can find. And we live in a time of YouTube and Twitter and Snapchat (I’m embarssed by that last one), so there is so much to soak up.

And it all cumulates with the Tonys.

And this year has been special. The level of talent, creativity, and diversity that steps out on the stage eight times a week is so rare.

The sense of camaraderie and community among these actors is so special. They cheer for each other, they celebrate each other. Imagine if every industry – entertainment and otherwise – worked that way.

It all overwhelms me.

And I could write so much about this year’s Tonys.

I could write an entire post about the opening number, where all the acting nominees stood together and told kids that “this could be you”. Kids whose only exposure to live theatre is this broadcast. Kids who may not feel included know that there’s a place for them in theatre.

I could write an entire post about the Spring Awakening revival. A show with hearing and deaf actors beautifully telling a story together. A show with the first ever Broadway actor in a wheelchair. A show that closed, but crowdsourced funds to perform at the Tonys so that people of all abilities could see themselves on a stage.

I could write an entire post about the commercial bumpers – where current casts sung numbers from classic shows outside the theatre to crowds that couldn’t afford the ticket inside the Tonys. An idea based on Hamilton’s new #ham4ham tradition. Brilliant.

I could write a few posts about Hamilton. About the attention it’s bringing to theatre. About Lin finishing his number with tears in his eyes because he’s not once taken for granted all that he is doing and all that is happening. About how, because of the shooting in Orlando the night before, they decided not to use muskets in their Tony performance. About Lin’s acceptance sonnet.

I could, and have, written a post about Waitress. And how oh so special that show is. About Jessie Mueller and her talent and what she represents, and how when she sings ‘She Used to be Mine’ all I can do is close my eyes and breathe in her voice.

But really, all I want to say is this.

I’m so grateful for theatre. I’m so grateful to have discovered something that gives me so much joy.

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My little brother’s wedding

There are a lot of emotions you go through when your little brother gets married.

There’s pride. I would tell anyone that would listen (and even those that wouldn’t) that my little brother was getting married. And how could I not be proud? Look at this guy!

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As with any change, there’s a strange sense of loss. Even with really positive changes (which this is), there’s the realization that things will never be the same. I’m learning more about change and have been reading William Bridges’ Managing Transitions. In it, he talks about how in any change there’s a process of letting go of the way things used to be and reorienting to the new way. I’m working on letting go of my “family of four”, and I’m so excited to reorient myself to officially having a sister-in-law (I LOVE saying that!)

There’s also an overwhelming sense of happiness. Their wedding day was one of the funnest and happiest days of my life to date. Everything from setting tables, to emceeing the reception, to dancing my heart out for hours…all of it was laced with pure and raw happiness. There haven’t been many times in my life where I’ve felt that level of joy.

I would also be lying if I said there wasn’t a feeling of insecurity. I’m the oldest. I’ve done everything first…except getting married, which is kind of a big one. My brother made my parents “in-laws”, not me. There were times where that made me sad, where I wished I was getting married, where I felt so obviously single. But now I realize this was an opportunity for me to work through that insecurity, to accept this season of my life, and truly celebrate my brother and sister-in-law. Being able to work through that made the celebration that much sweeter.

And it wouldn’t be a wedding without that love emotion. Watching my brother watch his bride walk down the aisle…that’s a look of pure love. And I realized just how much I love him, and my sister-in-law. Beyond that, I felt so much love for my family, my extended family, and friends that were there to celebrate. It’s so cliché and I’m hesitant to even write this, but love was in the air. We all breathed it in and exhaled it right back out.

I’m so grateful for this family, for this life, for the memories we made this weekend. I know just how precious this kind of celebration is. I will hold these past few days so dearly.

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